


To My Younger Self

by juiceboxjellyfish



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown 2019, Not Wayward Son Compliant, Prompt: Time Travel, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-18 07:57:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21890830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juiceboxjellyfish/pseuds/juiceboxjellyfish
Summary: Baz travels back in time to talk to himself in fifth year.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 56
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2019





	To My Younger Self

BAZ

It’s weird to be back here. It’s only been a few years, but it feels like an eternity has passed since I last stood in this room. It seems so small now, smaller than it ever did when I lived here. (Which doesn’t make sense – I don’t think I’ve grown since I graduated, at least not by much.) Looking at the beds, I feel a twinge of painful nostalgia. This place used to feel more like home than my actual home ever did, and now it’s simply a memory, an earlier chapter of my life. I didn’t think I missed it (I shouldn’t) until right now.

But there’s no time to stand around indulging in nostalgia. Being here at all is risky (I had to stop Simon from telling Penny, she wouldn’t have let me go) and the longer I stay, the greater the risk. I approach the beds as quietly as I can. Under my breath, I cast a sleeping spell on Simon. I can’t risk him waking up, the complications would be disastrous. 

There can’t be anything stranger than looking at yourself from an outsider’s perspective. I get slightly dizzy seeing myself in the bed. Was I really that small? I didn't feel like it. Forcing the absurdity of the situation aside, I sit down on my bed and gently place a hand on my younger self’s shoulder. He (I? He is me, but thinking of it that way is confusing) can’t have been sleeping deeply, because he wakes up almost immediately. He blinks at me as he props himself up on his elbow.   
“Hi Baz”, I whisper. Still barely awake, he squints at me.  
“Who’re you?”, he slurs.   
“You”, I say, realising now how ridiculous that sounds. I expect him to argue, but maybe he’s too tired. Or maybe he can feel it somehow.  
“Really?”  
I just nod. He sits up properly, looking at me with a mixture of awe and disbelief.   
“Listen Baz”, I say softly. “I don’t have a lot of time, but there are things I need to tell you.” He frowns.  
“What, are you here from my future to tell me not to make some catastrophic mistake that will fuck everything up and ruin my life?” Always assuming the worst. I shouldn't be surprised.  
“No, quite the opposite. I know you’re hurting right now. You cried yourself to sleep tonight.”  
“How did you know that?”  
“I remember it. I remember the pain so vividly. He really did a lot of damage, huh?”, I say, tilting my head in Simon’s direction. Baz looks over at him, and I can feel his heart ache.   
“It sucks. It hurts so much, and it feels so endless, but it isn’t. Listen to me, really listen. It isn’t. You’re not trapped, you’re not going to feel this way forever.”  
I know he doesn't believe me, but he doesn't tell me that.   
“You’re going to survive this – if you didn't I wouldn't be here – and you’ll be so much better for it. You don’t believe me, I know you don’t, but if you believe nothing else, at least believe this; you are loved now and you will be even more loved in the future. I just wish I could’ve loved you when I was you”, I say.  
“Will Snow ever…”, he asks.   
“I can’t tell you any details.”  
“That’s pretty useless”, he says. I chuckle.  
“Maybe so.”  
We sit in silence for a moment, looking out into the darkness of the room.  
“Thank you”, he whispers, not looking at me. I murmur a sleeping spell as quietly as I can, and his head falls onto the pillow.

He’ll wake up thinking it was all a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always, commenting is highly encouraged.


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